Tools for Challenging Times

As we emerge from the global pandemic and a string of other tumultuous events, many of us are keenly aware that many of the circumstances we find ourselves living in, are ones we didn’t choose. With so much strife and unpredictability in our world, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by unhelpful narratives and difficult emotions like anxiety, anger or hopelessness. Whatever you might be wrestling with, I hope that some of the ideas and practices offered in this article can help you gain new perspectives and become more resourceful during any time of crisis.

Just breathe

Before you start assessing things, just breathe. It’s such a familiar piece of advice that we can easily overlook the very real and powerful benefits of using our breath to calm ourselves down. Deep breathing is known to turn off the body's natural stress response (fight, flight or freeze), allowing heart rate and blood pressure to decrease and tension in muscles to relax. It’s difficult to breathe deeply and continue to be anxious at the same time. Try it! There are many variations, including this simple exercise, which I call 4x4 breathing:

Inhale deeply for a count of 4
Hold your breath for a count of 4
Exhale for a count of 4
Repeat several times

Note: please stop if you feel dizzy.

Do an inventory of what’s fact and what’s a story

It’s easy to get trapped by the stories we project onto the world. As humans, we’re meaning-making machines so we constantly seek to make sense of our experiences by filling in the blanks. We try to predict what’s going to happen next using the stories we create. The problem is that we can fall into the trap of believing our stories are real. This can have unhelpful consequences, especially when they’re negative stories, as is often the case when we’re feeling anxious or hopeless. For example, if I believe my story to be real that there are no jobs out there as a result of the pandemic, I might not look for a new job after being retrenched. The result? I don’t find a new job. To avoid this sort of trap, check your facts. Is it really a fact that everyone in your child’s year is judging you for getting Covid and causing the school to be closed for two weeks? Or is it just a story?

If it’s just a story, what other possibilities might there be?

A quick way to overcome the traps we fall into with stories that don’t serve us, is to ask, “What do I believe? And how could I be wrong?” Force yourself to do some mental gymnastics and come up with two or three other possibilities. With the above example, what are three other alternatives to the belief that everyone at the school gates is secretly mad at you? One is that others are understanding and actually empathise. Two is that others haven’t really given it much thought – it just is what it is. Three is that they reckon if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. Can you see how we now have four possible stories? Yours plus the other three. So, which one is right? The point is that we don’t know. What’s important is that we can now see more clearly how our original story, which may have felt like the absolute truth, is just one possibility based on our own perception, and nothing more.

Of the facts, what is within our control?

Being made redundant may be out of our control, but whether we binge all day on Netflix to console ourselves or choose to start researching new opportunities is within our control. This may seem obvious, but all too often we allow difficult emotions to overwhelm us and in doing this, forget that there are always pockets of control in the ways we choose to respond to our circumstances. Another example: you and your spouse are both working from home at the tiny kitchen table during the pandemic - choosing whether you seethe with rage each time he fields a call or deciding to go for a head-clearing walk around the block, is within your control.

See the context for what it is

When there’s a crisis, things are often completely unpredictable. Humans are wired to crave certainty so this unpredictability can trigger us deeply. Our natural, built-in responses to uncertainty and danger - fight, flight or freeze – manifest in emotions like anger, anxiety or hopelessness. Being able to step back and see our context, as well as the fact that difficult and highly charged emotions are normal in certain contexts, can provide some relief. This is because being able to see things for what they are i.e., objectively, immediately changes the nature of our experience. Rather than being subject to our circumstances we can be objective about them. When we’re objective we have more capacity to make creative choices.

Moving in the right direction

In crises where things are out of our control and uncertain, all that is within our power is the ability to nudge things in the right direction. If we’re able to hold things lightly and give ourselves some room to experiment, we’re most likely to create the conditions for the best possible outcome. What these conditions are will be different for everyone so try to adopt a mood of curiosity and a willingness to learn as you play with different ideas or practices.

The antidote is acceptance

Accepting the things we cannot change allows us to focus instead on the things we can. When we focus obsessively on things that are beyond our control they can become amplified and consume us. This applies to our emotions too. Accepting our emotions, rather than fighting them, is the first step in being able to understand what they’re telling us. Once we can extract the data from our emotions, we’re better able to constructively take care of what they’re signalling, e.g., that we’re missing support, or that our standards of mutual respect are not being met.

We may not have chosen our current reality, but by developing awareness and practicing acceptance and compassion, we give ourselves the best chance of getting through things in as good a way as possible. Wishing you curiosity and courage as you begin to explore.

Food for thought

• If you’re feeling anxious, what story might be at the heart of your anxiety?
• Once you’ve identified your story, ask yourself, what other possibilities might there be? Even if your original story feels absolutely real to you, force yourself to come up with two-to-three other possibilities. In this way, allow yourself to see that perhaps your story might not be as much of a fact as you initially thought.
• If you’re struggling with frustration or anger, can you give yourself a breath of compassion? Can you accept yourself for simply being where you are at?
• Are you feeling hopeless? What possibility might you be denying in this mood? Again, force yourself to get creative and try to see the things you might be missing.
• What one or two little things can you can do to help you get through whatever challenge you’re facing in a good way? Here are some more questions to help you:

If you could make a request of someone, what would it be?
Can you make that request? Remember, if you don’t ask, the answer is no.
If you’re feeling anxious, what one little thing can you do next to create a sense of safety?
Again, if you’re struggling with anxiety, ask yourself when you last felt secure? What might you do now to re-create some of that feeling, even if all the original elements aren’t present?
If you could play some music or watch a film that would cultivate a different and more helpful mood, what would it be? Why not put it on?
Who might you have a conversation with so you can share what’s happening for you? Can you initiate that connection?

In summary

The world may well feel overwhelming and challenging at times, but by staying mindful of the role that our perspective plays in how we see and respond to our circumstances, we can begin to shift the nature of our experience. By shifting our perspective through consciously adjusting our thoughts, emotions and physical state, even just a little at a time, we open up different possibilities for our future. I wish you well as you experiment with this.

Last note

The ideas offered in this article are an expression of my perspective based on what I’ve learned as a life coach. I offer them in the hope that they might be useful. Please use them at your discretion.

I'm a life and leadership coach who helps people learn how to become their own best resource. If you'd like to have a conversation and find out more about developing new perspectives, please check out the rest of my website: www.claudiaclaytoncoaching.com

Or get in touch: hello@claudiaclaytoncoaching.com