Composure: The Courage to Tolerate Discomfort

Updated June 2026

There's a passage in Amanda Blake's remarkable book Your Body is Your Brain that I return to again and again — with clients, and in my own life. It captures something important about what composure actually is, and what it isn't:

"Composure is not about getting rid of the nerves. Nice as that may sound, sometimes it's not possible. Rather, like courage, composure is about being able to tolerate all the strong sensations that go along with making a big, important move. It's about consciously feeling all of the intensity and physical discomfort while aligning yourself in such a way that those sensations can move through you without getting stuck in a swirling whirlpool of anxiety. It's about using your breath as best you can and choosing to take action from your commitment rather than your fear. This is what courage and composure really feel like. It's not always comfortable. In fact, it rarely is. And yet, it's the one thing that makes all the difference in meeting challenging circumstances."

— Amanda Blake, PhD, Your Body is Your Brain, Chapter 9

I love this definition because it reframes composure entirely. It's not the absence of discomfort. It's the capacity to be with discomfort — and act anyway.

What Composure Looks Like in Practice

Let me tell you about a client — let's call her Sarah.

Sarah was being bullied by a colleague at work. Not overtly — there were no raised voices or explicit put-downs — but in meetings, this colleague would consistently undermine Sarah's ideas, dismiss her contributions and talk over her. And Sarah, despite being talented and capable, found herself shrinking. Literally. Her shoulders would round, her chest would contract, her voice would drop. She felt small — and she began to show up small.

When we started working together, we did something that might seem surprising for a coaching conversation. We worked with her body.

In ontological coaching, we understand that our physical state is not separate from our emotional and mental state — it's deeply interconnected with both. The way we hold ourselves shapes how we feel. How we feel shapes how we think. And how we think shapes how we act. Sarah's body had learned a pattern of shrinking in response to threat. And that pattern was feeding the very dynamic she wanted to change.

So we worked on a different posture. Feet firmly on the floor. Spine lengthened. Chest open. Breath deep and steady. Not aggressive — grounded. Centred. Present.

It didn't feel natural at first. It rarely does. But with practice, something shifted. Sarah began to notice the moment her body wanted to shrink — and she began to catch it earlier, to intervene before the old pattern took hold.

The Moment Everything Changed

A few weeks later, Sarah was in a meeting when her colleague did it again — questioning Sarah’s approach on a project she was working on, using a dismissive tone of voice that had previously sent Sarah into feeling of internal collapse and shying away even though she felt simultaneously angry.

But this time was different.

Sarah felt her feet on the floor. She sat up taller. She opened her chest and took a breath. And then, calmly and clearly, she looked at her colleague and said: "That's a strong view. Can you help me understand what's behind it — what specifically concerns you about the project?"

Her colleague stopped dead. Gaped. Then moved the meeting on to another topic.

Sarah told me afterwards that the shift in that moment was extraordinary. Not just in her colleague's response — but in how she felt. For the first time in months, she felt like herself again. Grounded. Present. Capable.

That is composure in action.

Why the Body Matters

What Sarah discovered is something that research in embodied cognition has been confirming for years: our physical state profoundly affects our psychological state. This isn't just metaphor — it's physiology. When we adopt an expansive, grounded posture, we change our neurochemistry. We think more clearly. We access our courage more readily. We act from our values rather than our fear.

This is the heart of what Amanda Blake means when she says composure is about aligning yourself in such a way that those sensations can move through you. The discomfort doesn't disappear. The fear doesn't vanish. But when we're physically grounded and open, we create the conditions for those sensations to pass through — rather than getting stuck and taking over.

Building Your Own Composure

Composure, like courage, is a practice — not a personality trait you either have or don't. Here are some starting points:

Notice your body first. When you feel threatened, challenged or anxious, where do you feel it physically? A tightening in the chest? A rushing noise in your head? Shallow breathing? Shoulders rising toward your ears? These physical signals are important information — and they're your earliest warning that a habitual pattern is about to kick in.

Intervene physically. Before you respond, change your physical state. Feet on the floor. Spine lengthened. Chest open. One slow, deep breath. This isn't about performing confidence — it's about creating the physical conditions for genuine groundedness.

Act from your commitment, not your fear. Ask yourself: what do I actually want here? What matters to me in this situation? Let that be what drives your response — not the anxiety that's trying to protect you.

Practice when the stakes are low. Composure under pressure is built through practice in everyday moments — not saved up for the big occasions. Notice where you shrink in small ways, and experiment with showing up differently.

A Final Thought

We often think of composure as something the naturally calm and unflappable have — a gift rather than a skill. But Amanda Blake's definition, and Sarah's story, suggest something different. Composure is available to all of us. It just requires the courage to feel the discomfort — and act anyway.

If developing greater composure, presence and self-awareness is something you'd like to work on — whether in your leadership or your personal life — I'd love to have a conversation.

Find out more about leadership coaching here or life coaching here — or simply get in touch for a complimentary chemistry session.