Between Stimulus and Response: How to Stop Reacting and Start Choosing
Updated June 2026
There is a quote I return to again and again — in my own life and in my work with clients. It's from Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor and author of Man's Search for Meaning:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Simple words. Profound implications. And for most of us, incredibly difficult to live.
When the Space Disappears
We all have triggers. Situations, people, environments that reliably produce a particular reaction in us — often before we've even registered what's happening. The reaction feels automatic, inevitable, even justified. And by the time we notice it, we're already in it.
I worked recently with a senior leader — let's call him David — who was struggling with exactly this. David is thoughtful, values-driven and deeply committed to his team. He genuinely believes in diversity of thought, in creating space for people to contribute, in engaging rather than directing. These aren't just words for him — they're at the heart of how he wants to lead.
And yet. In large, busy meetings — the kind where conversations overlap and energy escalates — something shifted in David that he couldn't quite explain. He became irritable. He started controlling things more tightly. He got short with people. The very leader he wanted to be seemed to disappear, replaced by someone he didn't recognise and didn't like.
The space between stimulus and response had collapsed entirely.
What Was Actually Happening
When we began to look at this together, we broke it down into three dimensions — because this is where the real insight lives.
In his thinking, David had an unconscious belief that if he wasn't firmly in control, quality would be compromised. He'd never examined this belief — it had simply been running in the background, shaping his behaviour without his awareness. When the meeting got busy and unpredictable, that belief fired, and his nervous system responded accordingly.
In his emotions, what he had initially labelled as frustration was actually anxiety. The busy meeting wasn't annoying him — it was frightening him, in a very quiet, very fast way that he'd never stopped to notice.
In his body, the signals were remarkably clear once he knew what to look for: a tightening of the throat, a contraction in the chest, shallow breathing, a physical tension that ran through his whole body, leaning forward in his chair, a frown settling across his face. His body had been trying to tell him something for years. He just hadn't been listening.
Creating the Space
Once we'd mapped all of this — the belief, the emotion, the physical experience — something important shifted. David could see the pattern. And what you can see, you can begin to work with.
The next step was to explore what he actually wanted to experience in those moments. Not what he wanted to avoid — but what he wanted to move toward. He didn't have to think long. He wanted to feel trust. Trust in himself. Trust in his team. Trust that good thinking could emerge from the apparent chaos of a busy conversation.
Interestingly, as he named that — as he sat with what trust actually felt like in his body, in his thinking, in his emotional state — he could feel it. It was already there, accessible, real. The question was simply: how could he connect to that feeling in the moments when he was most challenged?
That is the work. Not dramatic. Not complicated. But genuinely transformative.
By developing awareness of his own internal experience — learning to read the physical signals as early warning signs, recognising the belief and emotion underneath the reaction — David began to create what Frankl described: space. And in that space, he found choice.
This Applies to All of Us
You don't need to be leading a team to recognise this pattern. It shows up everywhere — in difficult conversations, in family dynamics, in moments of pressure or uncertainty at work or at home.
The trigger might be completely different from David's. But the mechanics are the same: something happens, a pattern fires, and before you know it you're reacting in a way that doesn't serve you or the people around you.
The invitation — and it is an invitation, not a demand — is to get curious about your own patterns. What are your triggers? What happens in your thinking when they fire? What emotion is actually present underneath the reaction? And what does your body do?
These are not easy questions. But the answers might open up the space for you to choose something more helpful.
Where to Start
If you recognise yourself in any of this — if there are situations where the space between stimulus and response feels impossibly thin — coaching can help.
This is precisely the kind of work I do with both leaders and individuals: developing the self-awareness to catch patterns earlier, understanding what's driving them, and building the capacity to respond with intention rather than react from habit.
Find out more about leadership coaching here or life coaching here — or simply get in touch for a complimentary chemistry session.