Accepting Acceptance as a Powerful Action
I have something rather un-coach-like to confess. I’ve resisted the idea of acceptance as a powerful action for the longest time. Whenever I heard or read about acceptance being a way to find peace and take care of challenges in the most optimal way, it kind of made sense, but not really. Acceptance still felt more like a cop-out, some sort of passive rolling over, than a strategic course of action. Fortunately, after much thinking, reading and chatting about it - and more importantly, starting to practice it - I’ve finally gotten my head around the agency you gain by accepting something you can’t change. I wanted to share some of the key ideas that helped me get there in case you’re also struggling to accept acceptance.
Acceptance feels more relevant than ever right now
Every other article I read at the moment seems to offer some sort of acceptance-based theme. I think it’s because the complexity and uncertainty of our times is offering us an unparalleled invitation to learn to accept things that are beyond our control. We’re all being affected by so many issues outside our sphere of direct influence that one of the few productive actions we have within our power, is practicing acceptance. If you’re still unconvinced by acceptance, then I appreciate that last statement might have a whiff of feebleness about it. This is the problem with acceptance - if you’re unacquainted with it, it can seem feeble.
Acceptance isn’t feeble
Opposite reactions to acceptance - things like resentment or indignation - have always felt far more enticing and accessible to me, especially because I’m someone who typically springs to action as a way of resolving things. In comparison, “just” accepting something felt like I wouldn’t be doing anything. More satisfying to moan or even shout about something than meekly shrug and walk away, right? But actually no, what I’ve learnt is that if you can genuinely achieve it, acceptance is an infinitely more effective, powerful and liberating course of action. It is an action and it is a choice. I’d say it requires more effort than a less conscious response, making it by no means passive.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree
It’s possible to accept something and still disagree with it. This is a powerful distinction for me. Acceptance simply means that you’re able to see things for what they are, whether this is the way someone’s behaved or something that’s happened. It’s about getting very clear on the things that cannot be changed. For example, you’ve just been passed over for a promotion at work that you feel should have been yours -you’ve worked hard, receive great feedback on your efforts, and you believe you deserve it more than the person who actually got the role. You accept that the promotion has been announced and it’s not yours. You don’t agree that it’s a fair recognition of your efforts and the value you bring to your team. Accepting that things are what they are doesn’t mean you don’t care, nor that you can’t try to do address them. It simply means you see things for what they are so you don’t waste your energy resisting (or not accepting) the facts. In this case, the fact is that your colleague got the role and it can’t be changed. So accepting is the first step in being able to take the most effective action possible within the parameters of what’s already happened. This is why it’s especially helpful when you don’t agree with what’s happened - it allows you to breathe out and be resourceful when addressing things. In a state of frustration or resentment - the opposite of acceptance - you’re likely to blame, criticize or sound judgmental if you have a conversation with someone about it, actually sabotaging the very thing you want to take care of. In this example, your manager is more likely to respond positively if you aren’t seething with righteous indignation while you share your concerns and ask for their support in figuring out how to get the recognition you want and get promoted. Acceptance doesn’t guarantee you the outcome you want, but it places you in the best position possible to achieve it.
Resentment: like taking poison and waiting for your enemy to die
It’s not only hard to stop fighting the things you don’t want to accept, it’s also harmful. When you don’t accept something you stew in your own juices - quite literally. In resisting or resenting, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood through our systems, and this isn’t healthy. Even if we express our non-acceptance to others in the form of anger or indignation, the toxic cocktail of negative thoughts, tense muscles and attritional chemical responses that accompany our resentment affects nobody but ourselves.
Acceptance enables us to take care of ourselves
Once you develop the ability to separate fact from opinion, and can clearly see the facts of the matter, you place yourself in the best position possible to move forward in an optimal way. You might not agree with your CEO changing the company working policy from remote to in-person, but sadly, it’s a fact. In acceptance, you’re able to say to yourself, “It is what it is for now. Given this, what is within my power to enable?” This might be having a courageous conversation with your CEO in which you ask her to consider your working from home a certain number of days a week. Or perhaps you decide it’s time to investigate new job opportunities with companies whose teams do work remotely. Whatever action you decide to take, accepting allows you to think clearly and calmly and, ultimately, be resourceful in your approach.
Technically, our view is no more ‘right’ than anybody else’s
Whenever I feel really indignant about how “lazy” or “selfish” or “rude” somebody else has been, I remind myself that even though it feels as if mine is one hundred percent the right and proper and only way to do things, this sense of having the truth is how everybody else feels too. Most of us believe we are right about most things most of the time. It’s how we’re wired. Have you ever lost a bet, one in which you were absolutely certain you were right? But weren’t? Exactly. The problem is that we forget that this is human nature are and don’t notice when we do it.
We are all simply doing the best we can given how we’ve learnt to be. We adapt according to our life experiences. Our opinions and ways of doing things are a reflection of these adaptions. Remembering this can help us to respect others and accept the things they’ve done despite our differences.
Acceptance is a practice
Quite simply, being accepting requires practice. This happens through awareness and consciously applying the language and physical characteristics of acceptance. Can you call to mind someone who moves and engages with ease and openness, and who also gets things done in a good way? A beautiful example was Nelson Mandela. Notice the uplifted physically quality that aligns with the sense of quiet dignity. Acceptance is both subtle and powerful.
How to cultivate acceptance
1. Get clear on the facts
The first step of acceptance involves getting very clear on the facts of the matter. This means separating our stories (perspectives) from the facts. This sounds easier than it is because as humans we are meaning making machines who constantly create stories about what’s going on. We get a little bit of data and fill in the gaps, so that the facts make sense to us according to our own perspectives. Let’s re-look at the example of being passed over for promotion. The facts are:
In your performance review a year ago, your manager rated you highly, praised your work and stated that you were on track to receive a promotion.
For the last year, you’ve worked later than required and on weekends in order to deliver the tasks asked of you.
You’ve received positive verbal feedback on your performance from senior leadership and your manager in recent months.
You expected a promotion.
Your colleague got the promotion and you didn’t.
Your stories are:
I’ve been played - management have just been nice to me in order to keep me sweet and extract the most from me. They don’t care!
How dare they!
What makes the person who got the role so special? She’s more charm than substance anyway.
Well if they won’t recognize me, screw them. I give up, no more Mr Nice Guy.
While there might be some discernment in these stories, they all say more about you and your view of the world than they do about the actual situation. That’s because we project ourselves onto the world and see it according to our own conditioning. The issue here is that you’re trapped in your stories and too busy fighting the facts to move beyond them in a good way. Can you see how quickly we can sabotage ourselves if we act from resentment?
2. Become aware of your reactions
As with the example above, a clear sign that you’re not in acceptance is an urge to:
Blame someone.
Punish or get even.
Show everyone how wrong they are.
Make them sorry!
3. Notice and change your language
When we’re fighting something rather than accepting it, our language (spoken or thought) can signal what’s happening. Try to notice phrases like these:
How dare they.
It’s not fair.
They’re wrong, I’m right.
I’m going to make them pay.
I don’t deserve this.
The language of acceptance is distinctly different and, with awareness, can be adopted:
It is what it is.
What’s done is done.
I don’t agree with what’s happened, but I recognise that it can’t be changed.
These are the boundaries that currently define action.
It’s not what I would have chosen, but let’s find a good way forward.
4. Notice and adjust your posture and breathing
We embody whatever’s going on for us. The wonderful thing about this is that we can use our bodies (our posture, muscle tension and breathing) to shift the way we’re thinking or feeling when it isn’t serving us. When we’re resisting something, the physical clues that can alert us are:
Tense neck, jaw, shoulders and arms.
Leaning forward as if ready to strike out/hit back.
Frowning or squinting.
Quick, shallow breathing.
Voice loud or high pitched.
An internal churning or hot sensation.
By mindfully adjusting our posture and breathing and paying attention to finding a sense of physical ease, we can shift our experience. I encourage you not to take my word for it, but to try it for yourself. See how your thoughts and mood change by applying the following:
Face relaxed.
Shoulders relaxed.
Chest open.
Arms loosely by your side.
Neck long, head aligned.
Standing tall.
Breathing even and easy.
Voice calm.
It’s not always comfortable, but there’s peace in acceptance
The penny dropped for me when somebody said that acceptance doesn’t mean transcending sadness or discomfort and floating away in a happy bubble. Acceptance doesn’t enable some magical state as we float through a portal into eternal bliss. Acceptance means we can see, appreciate and connect with all the aspects of ourselves and our life, fully. We can both hold our discomfort and maintain equanimity. What could be more compelling than that? It’s not easy facing unpleasant facts, but paradoxically, there’s comfort in being able to see things objectively rather than being at their mercy. Once we find that understanding and peace, we are able to move forward in a good way.
Food for thought
Is there an area of your life in which you’re fighting the facts?
What is continuing to fight the facts preventing for you?
What would it be like to acknowledge that there are things happening that you don’t agree with and which are beyond your control?
What would accepting the facts enable you to focus on instead?
I'm a life and leadership coach who helps people learn how to become their own best resource. If you'd like to have a conversation and find out more about developing new perspectives, please check out the rest of my website: www.claudiaclaytoncoaching.com
Or get in touch: hello@claudiaclaytoncoaching.com