What Is Self-Confidence Really — And How Do You Build It?
Updated June 2026
Note: The concepts in this article draw on the work of Alan Sieler, founder and director of the Newfield Institute, an international ontological coaching training and consulting organisation. I am grateful to Alan for his clarity and wisdom — and for the framework that has helped so many of my clients, including the one whose story I share below.
A few years ago I worked with a client — let's call him Patrick — who was drowning.
Not literally. But that's how he described it. Patrick was a partner-track lawyer at a large firm, billing more hours than he cared to count, and feeling increasingly suffocated by a life he'd never consciously chosen. He'd been recruited straight out of law school into big corporate and had simply ... stayed. For fifteen years.
By the time he came to coaching, Patrick knew something had to change. What he didn't know — what he genuinely believed, with absolute conviction — was that he wasn't capable of doing anything else. That no other possibilities existed for someone like him. That leaving would invite personal ruin.
These beliefs felt like facts. They weren't.
What Is Self-Confidence, Really?
Most of us think of confidence as something you either have or you don't. A personality trait. A fixed quality. But in ontological coaching, we see it differently.
Confidence is an opinion — not a fact.
More specifically, it's a two-part opinion:
You have the competence to engage in certain actions — or the capacity to learn to do so
You will not be permanently damaged by negative opinions — yours or other people's — about the actions you take
This matters enormously. Because if confidence is an opinion rather than a fixed fact, it means it can change. And that changes everything.
What Happens When You Lack Confidence
When you lack self-confidence, your opinions about yourself — especially your core opinions — tell you that you cannot do certain things. You live in the future, painting a negative scenario. You anticipate being judged. You assume those judgements go to the heart of who you are as a person. And you withdraw from situations where you might be exposed to them.
James did exactly this. His lack of confidence had become both a description and an explanation:
"I can't leave because I'm not capable of anything else."
But here's the trap this creates:
Confidence is needed in order to take effective action
But I don't have the confidence to take action
So how can I ever become confident?
It feels circular. It isn't.
The Shift: From Opinion to Inquiry
The first thing James and I did was look at his belief that he wasn't capable of doing anything else — and ask a simple but powerful question: Is this actually true?
Not "does it feel true?" — but is it actually, verifiably true?
As we began to examine it, something interesting happened. James started to notice that there were many facts that supported the opposite belief — that he was capable. His qualifications. His experience. His track record. His skills in analysis, communication and complex problem-solving — all of which were highly transferable.
Between sessions, he began researching what others in similar situations had done. He discovered that people just like him — with the same qualifications and background — had successfully transitioned into roles in companies that weren't law-specific. Some had left big firms entirely and set up smaller, niche practices in their local communities, working at a more human pace.
That last discovery was, in his words, "the bridge." Suddenly he could see a path. Not just theoretically — but concretely, specifically, his.
Confidence Is Built Through Action
The key insight Alan Sieler offers here is this: the essence of moving from lack of confidence to confidence is simply by doing.
Not by waiting until you feel ready. Not by thinking your way into a new belief. But by taking small, consistent steps that gradually contradict your opinion of lack of confidence.
For James, this meant starting to explore — tentatively at first, then with growing conviction — what a different life might actually look like. Each step built on the last. Each piece of evidence chipped away at the old story. Each small action reinforced a new one.
By the time we finished working together, James had done it. He'd left the firm and set up a small, niche practice in his neighbourhood. The transformation at the root of that change was simple: a shift in confidence. From I can't to I can — and then, I will.
And he did.
Confidence Is Built Through Action
The key insight Alan Sieler offers here is this: the essence of moving from lack of confidence to confidence is simply by doing.
Not by waiting until you feel ready. Not by thinking your way into a new belief. But by taking small, consistent steps that gradually contradict your opinion of lack of confidence.
For James, this meant starting to explore — tentatively at first, then with growing conviction — what a different life might actually look like. Each step built on the last. Each piece of evidence chipped away at the old story. Each small action reinforced a new one.
By the time we finished working together, James had done it. He'd left the firm and set up a small, niche practice in his neighbourhood. The transformation at the root of that change was simple: a shift in confidence. From I can't to I can — and then, I will.
And he did.
You might also find these useful:
Reclaim Your Authority: Learn to Decide for Yourself
Between Stimulus and Response: How to Stop Reacting and Start Choosing
If developing greater confidence — in your leadership, your career or your personal life — is something you'd like to work on, I'd love to have a conversation.
Find out more about life coaching here or leadership coaching here — or simply get in touch for a complimentary chemistry session.