Making Effective Requests
Do you find it difficult to make requests?
Whether it’s asking someone to do something or help you, or even just inviting somebody over for dinner, do you find it toe-curlingly tricky?
Making requests is something I’ve noticed many of my clients struggle with. Even seemingly simple requests can be fraught with discomfort, worry and even embarrassment. It’s a feeling I know well, because I used to struggle with asking for things too. Just the thought of “putting myself out there” would induce an internal cringe and a corresponding pink flush! The more important the request, the more difficult I found it. I’d bolster whatever I was asking for with phrases such as, “If you’re not too busy …”, or “I know how much you’ve got going on right now, but …” or “I completely understand if you can’t make it, but perhaps you’d like to …”. I always had lots of ‘buts’ in there!
If this feels like you, then read on to understand the practical dynamics of a request, as well as find out what might be going on at a deeper level to sabotage you.
Firstly, let’s remember that requests are a form of action. They’re the action of asking others for their support and cooperation.
Secondly, let’s think about the number of requests you make in a single day. This includes ordering a cup of coffee, asking a team member to create a report, enquiring whether the supermarket has prickly pears in stock, telling (but really it’s asking) your kids to clean up their rooms, asking your partner to shut the door etc. How many requests do you get to? Now multiply this number by seven for the number of requests you make in a week. Now multiply this by fifty-two to get the number of requests you make in a year. That’s a lot of requests, right? Now think of the requests made of you in a day, a week, a year, and you’re starting to get the picture. Requests are everywhere!
This is because requests are a crucial part of how people co-ordinate themselves and get things done. They are the linguistic tool that bring new things into being. Once you've made a request, a new possibility has been created, and if that possibility is accepted and committed to - or even if it isn’t - a new set of events is brought about because of it. This is why they are so powerful. And why there’s everything to be gained from learning to make effective requests. Think about it - the more effective a request, the more likely you’re to get the outcome you want, and the more specifically you are designing your future.
Effective requests
So what makes a request effective? From a technical perspective it’s quite simple. A request is effective when it’s:
Specific (including a time frame).
Includes criteria / what exactly you need (e.g. X amount of money, or the 30 page report complete with correct formatting including page numbers).
Made to the right person (someone who’s capable of carrying out what you’re asking).
Contextualised i.e. you give a reason why you’re asking for something so the person you’re asking has an appreciation of your needs.
Like I said, it sounds simple, but I invite you to start listening to the requests that people around you make. I’m curious to know what you discover, but I have a hunch you’ll find that a lot of people are pretty lousy at making effective requests.
Only five possible answers
In the interests of getting granular and understanding the dynamics of a request, let’s think about the sorts of replies you might get. There are really only five types of answer. They are:
Yes
No
A commit to commit e.g. “I need to check with Sarah, I’ll get back to you tomorrow”
A counter offer e.g. “I’d be happy to help you hang your curtains, but can I do it on Sunday rather than Saturday?”
“Slippery promises” - be aware of listening to vague responses as “yes”, when they are not definite commitments e.g. “I should be able to get around to that sometime” (!!)
This last one isn’t the type of answer you want. “Slippery promises” don’t mean very much and they certainly don’t go towards the effective co-ordination of your life. You can reduce the likelihood of getting “slippery promises” by ensuring that you don’t make “sloppy requests”. That’s not to say that others won’t try and wriggle out of a definitive response - you can never control that. However, focusing on making an effective request means you’ve taken responsibility for your part and optimised your chances of getting an effective answer, which is all you can actually do.
What else is at play?
That all seems pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? So what is it really that makes requests so hard? What is it that causes people to rather do something themselves than risk asking someone else? Or offer excuses for the request they’re making as they make it, while blushing and looking anywhere but at the person they’re asking? There’s a clue in the word - “risk”. Making a request feels risky and tends to induce vulnerability in people. Many requestors fear rejection. By why? If you look underneath this fear of rejection, you’re likely to find a misguided idea that a negative answer, or a refusal, is a negative reflection of their self-worth.
Confusing a “no” with our own low self-worth
Yup, as weird as that sounds, we easily fall into the trap of taking a “no” as a reflection of our validity as a person. Conversely, we can see an acceptance of our request as confirmation of our self-worth. We lose sight of the fact that, quite simply, someone’s reply is all about them and not about us.
We all act out of what matters to us
In other words, someone’s answer has nothing to do with us, but rather with what matters to them at the time we’re asking. This stems from the idea that all of our actions are motivated by our own concerns. Even, for example, if we carry out kind, altruistic acts of service for others, somewhere along the line we’re getting something out of it, or we wouldn’t be doing it. It takes care of feeling good, or being admired, or feeling fulfilled or whatever it is that matters to us. In a similar way, when someone asks us to do something, we’ll only agree if accepting takes care of us. Even if it’s your boss asking you to produce a report, you say yes because you care about keeping your job!
This is why, if someone says “no” to a request, their answer has nothing to do with your value as a person. Yet this is where we fall into the trap of thinking that a “no” is a personal rejection. It’s not. It’s simply that doing what you’ve asked them to do doesn’t take care of anything that matters to the person you’ve asked at that particular moment. It’s easy to forget to hold yourself as legitimate and remember that your fundamental value as a human being remains unchanged, no matter what their answer is.
Holding others as legitimate
If we’re legitimate, then so too is everyone else. This includes the person we’re asking. And this includes the fact that they are able to make their own decisions! One of the most helpful coaching questions I was ever asked around my discomfort with making requests (including my need to always offer a “way out” for the person I was asking), was this:
“How might you be delegitimising the person you’re asking by trying to control their answer?”
Wow. This made a lot of sense. I could suddenly see how, by not straightforwardly making my request and instead, trying to give the person I was asking permission decline, I was assuming responsibility for their answer. And this wasn’t mine to take. I was actually undermining the person I was asking by treating them as incapable of making their own decisions. My behaviour might even have been seen as arrogant. Seeing this was absolutely liberating for me! Gone forever were those cringy, toe-curling moments of requestor angst!
In a nutshell
So, in a nutshell, free yourself from the painful requests by:
Being as specific as you can with your request. It’s your duty to yourself and the future you want.
Accepting that it’s your responsibility to ask for what you want as clearly as you can, but that anything beyond this is out of your control.
Knowing that the answer you get says nothing about you personally, especially not your self-worth.
I wish you lots of fun shaping the sort of future you want for yourself through making effective requests. Happy asking!
I'm a life and leadership coach who helps people learn how to become their own best resource. If you'd like to have a conversation and find out more about developing new perspectives, please check out the rest of my website: www.claudiaclaytoncoaching.com
Or get in touch: hello@claudiaclaytoncoaching.com