One of the cornerstones of ontological coaching is the concept and practice of deep mutual respect. It is the idea that we hold everybody as valid, even if they are different to us in their views or their ways of doing things. This concept is referred to as ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’. On the surface it sounds like a lovely idea and something we probably intuitively recognize makes sense to practise. Yet it’s so much more than that. What I’d like to do in this article is explore ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’ in order to understand more deeply what underpins it.

Interpretations depend on who’s listening

Have you considered that we all experience the world in very different ways? This might sound obvious, but have you really stopped to think about what this means? Let’s look at an example. Think about dogs. We know from scientific research that dogs hear nearly twice as many frequencies as humans. They can also hear sounds four times further away — so what human ears can hear from 20 feet away, dogs can hear from 80 feet away. Now imagine an owner walking their dog in the park while someone in the distance is frantically blowing a high-pitched dog whistle. The dog can hear it and is going crazy, jumping about and wanting to be let off his lead. The owner can’t hear a thing. The owner and the dog are in the same place - same environment, same circumstances - and yet they are having very different experiences. This difference depends on their different biological structures. What this means, is the way the owner and the dog interpret the world around them, is fundamentally different.

People are different

But, you might argue, people are all biologically pretty much the same, right? So doesn’t that mean we humans all experience things in the same way? Well actually no, we don’t. Apart from our universal physical structures (and even those can vary depending on how we’ve developed and learnt to use them), there are other aspects of us that determine how we interpret what’s happening around us. These are things like our belief systems and our emotional states. These aspects of us are all very different. They depend largely on how we’ve learnt to be, based on things like experiences or the culture we’ve grown up in. As with the biological differences between the dog and its owner, the differences between these interrelated aspects of being a person (beliefs, moods and physiology) are huge. From the moment we start processing things that are happening around us, using our unique biological, mental and emotional configuration, we’re interpreting and experiencing things in a unique way.

We all experience things differently

That’s why, for example, when you and I listen to a song such as Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, we make different meaning out of what we hear. In fact, even the words we hear will often be conflicting. Based on things like our memories, our current mood, what matters to us, and how we assess our lives to be going for us right now, we will both hear two different songs. You might feel sad nostalgia and remember the loss of breaking up with your first boyfriend when you hear the opening strains. I might recall how I listened to the song the first time I travelled to London and found myself exhilarated as I strode along Victoria Embankment with my headphones on. You might be listening while worrying about a deadline at work. I might be on leave and pottering about my patio when I hear the song. The song will affect us differently because there are simply too many variables at play for us to ever have the same experience or perspective.

Why my perspective is no more valid than yours

Here’s the crux which underpins the idea of ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’. In the above example, whose perspective is the more accurate one? I hope you agree that the answer is neither. Both of our perspectives, shaped by previous experiences and the things we’ve been exposed to, are equally valid. But they are different. The problem comes in when we forget this. We fall into the trap of believing that we see things exactly as they are, rather than as a reflection of who we are. As a result, we believe there is just one single ‘truth’, and that we hold that truth. We fail to see that in any one situation there are a multitude of ‘truths’ (or perspectives), all of which depend on who’s encountering them. We make the mistake of saying, ‘this is how the world is’, when what we should be saying is, ‘this is how I see the world’. Can you see now why there are so many arguments, and even wars, on the way the world is and should be?

Legitimate other

The idea of a ‘legitimate other’ means being able to recognise all of this and as a result, to fully accept other people and hold them as valid even if they are different to us and even if we don’t agree with them. It means being able to zoom out of the frustrations that arise when opinions are different and remember that everyone is simply doing their best given how they have evolved through their particular circumstances. In other words, everyone is simply acting according to how they’ve learnt to be.

“I am more right than you”

Can you see how it follows that we can never be ‘more right’ than anybody else? Because there is no single ‘truth’, only perspectives. For this reason, dismissing someone else’s opinion or ‘way of being’ as wrong and insisting that you are right doesn’t make sense. We are simply different.

Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing

In order to practice deep mutual respect we need to be able to let go of our own perspectives. This doesn’t mean letting go of them completely or permanently, but consciously putting them to one side in order that we can reach across into other perspectives and learn something new. Doing this enables us to openly and objectively consider other possibilities before making an informed decision. Unless we learn how to suspend our own perspectives and listen without judgement, we won’t be able to practice effective listening. And without effective listening, we lose the opportunity to learn something new, thereby denying ourselves the chance to be as informed and resourceful as possible.

Agreed-upon ways of doing things

I think it’s important to add that there are often agreed upon ways of doing things. This happens when a group such as a company or a country reaches consensus on how things should be done. This results in things like job descriptions, protocols and even constitutions. These agreed-upon frameworks take care of similar cares and concerns, and ensure easier co-ordination for all involved. Holding someone as legitimate isn’t about excusing people when, for example, they break the rules or don’t live up to their job description. It’s about accepting the fact that for whatever reason, someone has chosen to not abide by, or has been unable to meet, the agreed-upon way. The key with ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’, is that in these instances, although we (or the group) don't agree with the fact that someone has not followed the way that we adhere to, we still hold them with respect. The group that’s defined the agreed-upon way of doing things still doesn’t have ‘the truth’ because, as we’ve seen above, nobody can ever have ‘the truth’. All they have is consensus, which is different. It follows that even if someone violates the agreed-upon way and we don’t agree with them (and it might mean there are repercussions for them within that group, such as being sent to prison or being asked to resign) we still regard them as valid or legitimate human beings.

Legitimate self, legitimate other is a practice

It’s one thing to understand the idea of ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’ and it’s another to practice it. It’s a bit like understanding the principles of how to play a violin versus actually being able to play a violin. Practising the art of holding others in deep respect even when we don’t agree with them requires more than just understanding the concept. To truly hold someone else as legitimate we need to embody our belief and practice it. This means pausing to hear and understand others’ perspectives. It means cultivating a physical way of being (posture, breathing and internal experience) of ease and openness. Somebody practicing deep respect and acceptance often has an uplifted quality about them. Think of examples like Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi. Think about how these men practiced holding others as legitimate in the ways they spoke, walked, listened, talked, moved, and engaged, while all the time respecting themselves and what they believed in. Look at what incredible feats they accomplished while both embodying and practicing the art of ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’.

Legitimate self

The final piece in the puzzle is the idea of legitimate self. In other words, holding yourself and your values as valid or worthy. We cannot hold others as legitimate unless we first regard ourselves with deep respect because the relationship we have with ourselves informs our perspective on others. In short, if I don’t have the experience of deeply respecting myself, I won’t know how to deeply respect someone else. More importantly, holding myself as legitimate enables me to connect to my own values. If I don’t do this, I cannot take care of what matters to me. Of course, I don't want to do this at the expense of what matters to others, which brings us full circle to the beautiful notion of 'legitimate self, legitimate other'.

In closing

I hope that this exploration of ‘legitimate self, legitimate other’ enables you to notice differences differently, and to feel compassion and curiosity towards yourself and people around you. Happy practicing!

If you like some of the ideas in this article and would like to explore them further, or more like them, why not consider some coaching sessions? I’m a life and leadership coach and would be happy to have a conversation around the possibility of us working together. You can read more about me and how I work here. Alternatively, simply get in touch.