One thing we all fervently desire in life is to be listened too. And one of the most frustrating and irritating experiences is not being listened to, which involves feeling that what we have to offer is not being considered or taken into account.

And yet how many of us can really say that we’re good listeners? Chances are that if you hold the following traditional belief system about communication then there’s room for improvement in your listening skills:

• listening is passive

• good speaking determines good listening

• speaking comes first and listening follows

• effective communication is about effective speaking

This traditional emphasis on speaking overlooks what’s happening with a listener’s interpretation in a conversation. This interpretation is crucial in shaping the meaning that is made by the listener.

To be human is to constantly be making interpretations. Everything we hear, see, smell, taste, or touch is actively being interpreted by us and is the process by which we create meaning for ourselves. In doing this we impose our own frame of reference or understanding onto what is happening.

So these interpretations inform our “listening” about the world, the people in it and their choices and actions, and this is based on our own background, culture, life experiences and external influences.

We could say we have and “already-listening” and when we talk about our “listening” we are referring to our listening coupled with our interpretation.

So we listen to our circumstance or environment and make this interpretation from what already exists within us, often despite what the words which are being said may literally mean.

While broadly, as part of a culture, we might have an assumed shared meaning over a particular use of language, our unique experiences and emotions will also inform our own understanding and interpretation of how we listen to a circumstance or person.

Essentially, the meaning of a message depends more on how it is heard than how it’s spoken.

So the art of good communication is having an awareness of the “listening” you speak from, and anticipating the “listening” you are speaking to, and tailoring your words or message accordingly so that it is received as you intend or hope. The meaning of the message is the way it is received.